Things always seem different in the morning.

Disclaimer - this is a more serious topic, and is different from my usual blog posts.

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You want to know what I think?

I think we all just need to chill sometimes.

In all honesty, I think we need to just stop thinking occasion to occasion, and take some time to ourselves.

I think we need to stop always creating, and trying to convince ourselves that we should follow all these messed up, pressuring expectations in our head and the ones that are present in other's heads.

There was a time where I felt like I had to conform to everyone's expectations. That I should act a certain way around certain people so that they would like me better. So that I was more preferable for them, so that we could 'click.' That I would either act very friendly and change my actions around them, or I'd shut up so that they wouldn't think I was annoying, or too talkative, or just make everything about myself.

Ever since I was a kid, I've had far too many expectations on me. Everyone does, I just didn't know how to deal with them. I felt pressured to be perfect in everything I do, otherwise nobody would like me. Otherwise I'd fail my mother, who works extremely hard. So that I wouldn't fail in life and end up nowhere, which is my biggest fear. I've always felt like I've never had independence. That I should always seize the moment, and do whatever I should feel like because otherwise, when else am I going to get the chance to? I'm young, and I'm in my prime. But truth is, this mindset can either be the greatest, most empowering thought process, or it can get you messed up. And for me, it was the second.

Because I thought that I should just be free, wild, young & reckless right now due to my age, and that nothing really matters right now, I lost myself. I lost myself really fricking bad. I always thought I was one of those people with really strong morals, who others always came to for advice. I always thought I was wise, and smart, and a compassionate person. I am all those things, but I am also really damn fricking stupid at times. I fucked myself up pretty bad. My mental health and anxiety skyrocketed over the last few months, and I was constantly paranoid and on edge. I was living in angst, and felt like the world would come crashing down every second. It was a really hard thing to live with, especially when certain, very important people in your life aren't there to support you.

I did bad things, things that I will always regret doing, things that I desperately wish from the bottom of my heart I could take back. Each step I took reeled me in further and further, and I was blinded by this concept of just wanting to do whatever I wanted, because it was okay. Truth is, we are teenagers, and we are young and wild and should do whatever we want, but it has the potential to hurt people. Really fricking hurt people.

And I had to learn that the hard way. I had to cry, and run and kneel on the ground with my head in my hands and my mind spinning because I didn't think life could get any worse than this. Because everything was my fault; my own undoing and I couldn't blame any other person other than myself. Because it had to take loosing the person I loved most for me to realise how bad I had gotten, how much I desperately needed help even if I convinced myself I was okay.

But truth is, I was unstable. I was furious at times, and completely melancholic and miserable at others. There would be days where I would feel happiness only for my own mind to ruin it. I tried to grasp whatever I could, whenever I could, and each day that passed, I stopped seeing light and beauty where I always did before. And I think it was awful. It's an awful thing to live with. To not only just hate yourself and the person you are, but to ruin the person who offered you the only happiness you felt. It's completely horrible, and I'm always going to live with my regrets. That constant humming in my head, the constant 'What ifs?' But truth is, I could wish and scream and clasp my hands together to pray on my knees that I could go back to the girl I used to be. Before I fucked up; before I fucked myself up. But I can't. I could spend hours and days and months wishing I could, but ultimately I can't. And i'll have to live with that, but most of all, I have to forgive myself. Because I can't change overnight, and I can't promise that I will become an amazing person; no trace of the bad parts of me. Because I will have downfalls, but I will try my best. I will become more stable everyday, because that's all I can do.

I could continue to hate myself and fill myself with things that would drain me as a person, only so that I could numb this pain and guilt that I have brought upon myself. Or I could just fill other people with a light, and for once. For once in my life, try to make things right. No matter how much I have to change and spend nights crying, or if I have to get worse before I get better, I want to put my entire heart and soul into doing this one thing. To just live and laugh and be happy, and show how sorry I am through that.

Of course everything is always going to be fine. Life isn't that serious; spend it smiling even when you have many reasons to frown. Just get through it if you don't think it matters, but at least dance and get through it. But please just take care of yourselves, and remember that our actions always-always have the potential to hurt others. There's things that you think won't matter right now, like relationships, and then you're going to get to 30 and not know how to treat your girlfriend or wife because you told yourself that it's okay to be destructive and have fun right now, and then you're going to mess up your life later. You're going to mess up, but you're going to learn.

It's always going to be a hard thing to live with. And I'm sure you can all relate. After all, there have been nights where you have probably cried yourself to sleep with tears staining your pillows, and there may be times where you think to yourself, "What the hell am I doing?" Truth is, no one knows what they're doing. Everything is simply relative in life, it's not fixed and there's never necessarily a concrete right or wrong thing to do. You have to learn to just say thank you, and please, and smile and be kind, and remember that we're all struggling out there. No matter how much your world comes crashing down, and no matter how much darkness prevails in the night of your bedroom with only your sobs, the only advice I can give to you is:

Sleep on it.

Everything always seems better in the morning.

Love,

Fizz xx